A different blog. With similar thoughts and similar suicidal tendencies. I dont know why I bothered but it feels like a new start.

A pseudo recovery, I like to call it.

I would like to lie and say the other blog is less negative, less haunted and happier. But the purpose for another blog was only to run away from the memories on here. But I realise it's not much different over there. It's brighter there though, literally. And I'm more honest over there. Because on here, it was always pretty words, drama and denial that came first.

It's time for brutal honesty. To face what's within me. To whine and groan about the injustice of life. And the many other things that bug and tear at me.

Don't follow if you expect a change of scene from this shithole. Don't follow if you are looking for salvation. Don't follow if you're looking for something lighthearted or inspiring.
It's all angst, whines and frustration over there. You have been forewarned.
June 2009
I have this feeling inside that I wouldn't like me if I met me.
I'm my own worst casualty, everything i touch can get broken.
The truth is that I'm self-destructive. I'm insecure, I'm out of focus.

July 2009
Three times a day I would take pills that would make me happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.

I am not crazy. The worst of all this is that I am not crazy. Not even drunk.
Just self-destructive. Just fucking everything-destructive, that's all.

Dear Jesus, I'm scared. Of course, I'm scared.

November 2009
The world is bleeding colors and I think I'm on self destruction again.

March 2010
It's coming back again.

April 2010
How can I hate that side of me so much, yet embrace it with such silent and twisted relish?

May 2010
I need a break. From everything. From duties, decisions, school, people and life.
I need a knife, some pills, a bathtub for dramatic setting and a white tiled bathroom.
I need an ending.

August 2010
I think it's time to come to terms that I'm unhappy. There are many things that make me happy. But I'm not. And I'll probably never be.

October 2010
Sometimes, it become a form of release to hate yourself. A habit. A vicious cycle you can't break out.

November 2010
These days, I draw a box around me, four lines, one square. And punish myself for everything I hate about myself today.

January 2011
Fingers across the keyboard.
When all they are doing really is begging to pull the trigger.

February 2011
You will never ever ever be good enough.
Remember that.

This happiness is only a dream.

March 2011
I will always destroy the ones I love. Everything I touch turns to stone. Medusa hands, killer mind.
Everything falls apart eventually because I'm too fucked up to do anything.

April 2011
There are no gods and hope round here.
Just a fucking barrel to my head, a rope around my neck and my legs are begging, pleading to leap.

June 2011
I'm terrified. Fucking scared out of my mind.
Scared to live. But too afraid to die.

I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night, caught between emptiness, exasperation and despair.

Today, October 2011
This isn't a suicide letter. I just want to get real close to Death. Touch his hand and know that I was alive.
Now that things have turned out this way. I can only say I don't regret it. And if I had a second chance, I would still tell you the truth again and tell you how much you have hurt me.

When I saw your text today, I knew you couldn't understand. And you never will. Because people like you are meant to be happy. Meant to live for that shot of happiness that lasts you through your happily ever after. And me? I only hurt myself from all these addictions and emptiness.

Maybe it was because I realise we were fundmentally different. Meant to live different lives. Meant to hurt differently. The cause of death and the dead. I think that was why I didn't break down again. Because I knew you can't be the one for me. Someone like you who never felt emptiness or how happiness feels so much better with pain can never understand this massive blackhole up here.

So I let you think that your anger is justified. I realise how much damage i had done. And I watch you hate me, fear me, and loathe me. Because thats how people like you ultimately do. I let you push me away and I let the pain eat away at me. Because that was the way I was supposed to live. Forever hurting. Haunted and afraid.

I watch how you replace me with other people and I realise that I was never ever ever as important as you say I am or you think I am. You drowned me in your inconsideration. And then left me here to die. Funny how quickly you threw me away once you knew the truth.

You just lie to yourself and hope things would be better. And you will never realise that it's a lie. Because that's how you were born to feel and react. Your lies make you happy. And if you are happy it doesnt matter if I'm happy or not.
Because I'm no one to you. Or to anybody.

And so this is how it ends. My cheap shot at happiness.
It wasn't even worth a second glance.
Truth be told I'm not sure if it was even worth anything.