I'm terrified. Fucking scared out of my mind.
Scared to live. But too afraid to die.

I want someone to tell me that everything will be fine.
For once, I don't want these words for others but myself.

I want another reason to live. Another meaning to cling onto. Another purpose to continue breathing for.

I want to feel loved without a glimmer of doubt. To be able to love without all these hate. And to be loved without hating.

I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night, caught between emptiness, exasperation and despair.

I want to be happy. I really do.

But these words they fall short of anything.
I lost my grasp of these words and it seems pointless to continue searching for reason here anymore. This may be the last time I'm writing here. Because writing has lost its purpose and meaning.

This isn't the end. I hope.