I think apathy is the easiest trap to fall into. Never allow yourself to stop caring.

But life's so much easier that way.

I'm done with wanting things I can never have. Done with trying to be someone I can never be.
And done with telling myself that I am someone that I'm not.

I'm done with hearing everyone's bullshit.


What is it like to die alone?
How does it feel to be always skirting the edges?

I never said that I'd rather be dead but I've thought about the end. So many times. Way too many times.

It disgusts me how I am drunk on both hope and despair. Which wound up getting myself hurt over and over again.

I drive myself insane with desire, denial and delusions. No matter how many times I tell myself, I deny reality and plainly refuse to see things the way they are. Because I'm always too scared. Always fearful of expectations, disappointments and resentment.

Every night, they try to bring me down to keep me sane. This neverending cycle of self bashing. And this ensemble up here is getting berserk.

But they can never win.
Because denial feels too damn good.
You blind fool, what are you fighting for?

Don't imprint your perspectives and insecurities on others. No one has the obligation to care about your narrow-minded minions and your bigotry.

Grow up, get a life.

Start listening, start loving, start looking. With those eyes that you've wasted all your life. And shut the fuck up about your religious bullshit. Only when you've got rid of all your prejudices and fucking bullshit, can you claim yourself to be the person you pretend to be.

You're only jealous. Because there are people who are more happy than you can ever be. They are more free in their love than you ever can be.

You're afraid of facing the unfathomable, the foreign, the inscrutable. Because they are stronger, better than you can ever be.

You're angry and bitter. You think you're the only one who's right and the rest of the world is fucking wrong, because you're so goddamn fucking good with your ridiculous morals and all.

You can't stand it because someone else was brave enough to step out of stereotypical thinking before you decided that deviation was fucking wrong.

Tell me, what is the wrong in doing what you like and loving who you love?
And whatever happened to the fight for human rights? Whatever happened to the bullshit about anti-slavery and whatnot?

Who the fuck do you think you are?
Since when has God stepped down and made you the new god?

You've got your life, and we have got our own. If people don't give a shit about your boring 9-to-5 job and ugly-like-fuck wife, why should you care about whether what they are doing is morally or religiously correct in our own warped logic?

Why are you making such a big fuss out of everything when it's none of your fucking business?
I would never lie to you.
But everything I told you were half-truths.

You're so important to me that I would never want to know the feeling of you slipping through my fingers.

That's why, instead of fighting to hold on, I choose to let go.

Because I'm afraid.
Because I don't wanna be in love. Not anymore.
Not when I'm trying to be invisible.
Not when I'm fighting over and over again.

Not when I'm so fucking insecure.
What are you afraid of, really?

I realize that feelings can easily be ignored, replicated and misunderstood.
But hardly reciprocated.

Maybe things were just not meant to be the way I wanted it to be.
I was too stubborn, foolish and delusional.

I know I'll always be walking down the same road, humming the same old tunes, lying that I won't be waiting for another person like you.
I can't trust myself with anything.
I'm such a fucking hypocrite.

I don't deserve anything because I always end up hurting the people I love.
I remember looking forward to spending the hot and sweltering afternoons walking down the streets with you.

I remember wishing that every traffic light would never turn green, just so I could spend a few more seconds with you.

I remember telling you everything I hated about this world and how you would come up with some philosophical bullshit about why I hated the world.

I remember the way you would smile. The smile that lights up your dull eyes, transforming your face to a canvas of golds, reds and oranges.

I remember wishing that I could always be the only one to make you laugh.

I remember how our hands would brush gently against each other, and how every time I wished I didn't cringe away.

I remember you telling me how much you wanted to die sometimes, to leave this world behind.

I remember thinking how much I wanted you to live, because you were the few good things I had in this world.

I remember you would always look at me with eyes full of unspoken words and inexplicable sorrow.

I remember how you would steal the words from the tip of my tongue and complete the thoughts that I didn't even know exist.

I remember telling you how much I hated you.

I remember everything.
But I wish I didn't.

Because he reminds me so much of you. Sometimes, I swear I think he's you, and I just want to tell him all the things I never got to say to you.

Where would we be now if I told you the things you wanted to hear?
"I am somebody. I am me. And I don't need anybody to make me somebody."
- Louis L'Amore

Inspire me. These words only mean a thing when it's coming from someone else's mouth.

These days, I draw a box around me, four lines, one square. And punish myself for everything I hate about myself today. Whilst the mimes spread their legs wide open in a room full of mirrors.

I wish you would shut the fuck up and let me be. Because tbh, I don't really need your sympathy.
These past few days I've been reliving the memories. The good, the bad, the obvious, the in-between lines of you and me.

Everything I fought so hard for, refused to budge for, held on so tightly, seems to be wrong, and these words of conviction taste so awry and acrid in my mouth. Every step I take seems to take me further away from my dreams, my ideals, everything I thought I wanted. Everything I do seems to be the opposite of what I stand for.


I don't know what I stand for anymore.