I thought... maybe you understood.
But you don't know me. Never did.

Truth is, I'm terrified.
And even if I don't tell you that, I still need you by my side.

I have no fucking clue how to make you understand, to make you see right through this mess of insecurities. Don't know how to make it through this much of swirling in my head without giving up and crying.

But I guess I blew it. I'm sorry.
You said you'd shoot the stars.
But bullets make you blush.
Turns out you liked to play, play with knives.
And I hear it gives you a rush.
-AFI, "We've Got The Knife"

So here's the final scene when I finally come clean.
I've watched you for years.
And here's my favorite part;
Where you beg for my heart.
And I disappear.
-AFI, "Darling, I Want To Destroy You"

I may be chasing ghost trains,
Hoping they will arrive at where we used to play.
I swear I'm almost there,
Though I've been wandering for days.
I may be hopping ghost trains,
For they terminate where we used to play in those days.
-AFI, "Where We Used To Play"

I know I'm with strangers I recognize and I realize my own disowned me.
You used to my world. But now, you piss the hell out of me.
What happened between us? You used to make me smile. But now, you make me cry my eyes out. And you said times have changed. You used to be the one I could trust. But now, you leave me empty, with lies.

Shit happens. Yea that's what everyone says. Thought you were different, a whole lot better than the others out there. But nah, you were just another bastard out to break my heart.

When you can't be yourself with your best friends anymore, it's time to leave. I'm calling a cab, falling asleep on merry-go-rounds and catching the next flight to somewhere, where I swear you can never find me. Not that you would bother to find me, actually. But if you ever do, I'm sorry. I've stayed here too long now. And I never wanna see you again.
Insomnia's the worst shit ever. *kills time*

Random list of random resolutions till the end of 2012:
Lose weight D8
Save $1000 into my bank account.
Buy eyeshadows from:

• Fyrinnae 8D
• Shiro Cosmetics (POKEMON EYESHADOWS FTW!)
• Detrivore
• Aromaleigh (if they ever reopen.)
• Sassy Minerals
• Naked Palette from Urban Decay ):

Buy band merchandise of:

• Alesana
• A Skylit Drive
• Attack Attack!
• Bullet For My Valentine
• The GazettE
• The Maine
• Mayday Parade

Learn drums. For real.
Pick up guitar. Again.
TRAIN MAII FRIGGIN' CHUIZ GROWLS. D8
Attend more gigs. Srsly.
Continue writing my random spinoffs.
Make an effort to do makeup everytime I go out.
Get an ipod or somethang.
Get a pair of Vans. <3
STUDY FOR THE FUCKING PROMOS.
Start shopping/scouring for my wanted clothes list.
Get down to the usual get-over-crush shit.
Attend more cosplay events. (for want to see hawt people 8D)
STOP LOSING MY TEMPER.
AND STOP SWEARING. D8 *points to above and goes... 8D*
Try to be glam. (... this will probably take, liek, forever... and ever... and ever...)
Attend jc prom.
Cut down on caffeine intake, by, liek 50%. (DAI.)
Ace PW. (JOKE.)
Go to sleep naow. D8

Bleh I can't think of anything else D8
I'm the cause of your headache, undermining your empty words and nonchalant stares.

What else do you want from me?

Fuck off.
A colorful fool. The sky is the strangest hue. My words bleed black into pretentious nonchalance. A careless swipe of grays across my skies. A sunny headache in my mouth; I'm choosing a lover who is confusing my world.

Could you hold my hand just for now? Lie to me, because it makes me happy. I'm tired of reality. Tired of walking. Dance a slow song with me. And pretend to be my lover, just for tonight. Tonight, pretense is our master, and my heart is your pawn.
I have only myself to blame.

Being stubbornly foolish. Seeing everything with tainted glasses. Everything I touch turns bad. And I refuse to wake up from this dream that I trapped myself in. Thinking that maybe I'm an exception. Your exception. I pretend, and you play along. What a fucking joke.

I'm a train wreck. A disaster. And I'll never be good, or good enough for someone like you. Or in fact anyone.

When your love turns bad, you realize that you have nothing, you are nothing at all. Because if you're incapable of loving, you're incapable of anything.
One of the worst feelings in life is when you realise that you are nothing to the person who is the world to you. And it gets worse when there's nothing you can do but smile and lie through your teeth, pretending that everything's fine.

You stand there, grinning foolishly, wondering who you're lying to. The world or yourself?
I'm not happy.

After years of writing and supposed self discovery, I think it's time to come to terms that I'm unhappy. There are many things that make me happy. But I'm not. And I'll probably never be.

Because I don't know what to believe, what to say, what to do anymore. I have trouble acting normal. I have issues with everyone and everything. I'm angsty, needy, scared, insecure, broken. And human.

I don't think I want to be anyone. Not even me. But it's nice to play pretend once in a while. And I don't know what else I can do anyway.