"I’ll never understand how someone can rationalize choosing comfort of knowing over the possibility of true happiness."
-Craig Owens

I always find it so hard to catch your feelings when you're always toeing the line. I thought it hard for us to start anew because of what I felt for you. But I realize I don't really wanna know whether you feel the same as me too. Just thinking of the simplest, unexpected things you say to me gets me through the day. And I think that's what happiness should be. I don't need an affirmation. Or an answer. Because I would be selfish to expect that of you and of what we have. And all I want is to be happy. Even if it is for the briefest moments.

So when the time comes, I'll let you go gently, watch you walk away, and maybe realize that I've already gotten over you.
Sometimes I'd like to scream into a mirror until I'm green in the face and demand "Who?" too.

Don't confine me to this identity and personality that you force upon me. I don't give a shit to who I am. I don't need a definition. Because definitions are but ideals of other stupid people.

Anyway, all I wanted to say today is that only stupid people are breathing. So don't bother proving any more shit or finding out what lies beyond the fucking universe and the unknown, just do us all a favor and be clever for once.
We smile at different things, laugh at different contexts, think about different people, and react differently to every situation. This is who I am. And that is who they are. The differences don't set us apart, they blind us. And I'm just another poser trying to fit in to their glam scene and play their games.

I think it's time to be honest with myself.

You're just friends with the person I want you to see. The person everyone wants me to be. The person that wants so much of this acceptance that it hurts to keep on this facade any longer. The person that this place has made me to be.

This time round, I'm cutting all their lies short. I don't really want a group of friends. I don't need them. Always thought I did. But I realise that I've got all I always wanted right beside me. I think I don't mean as much to you as you do to me, but you mean the world to me. Because you see me for who I am. With no judgement. But open arms.

Wasted friendships, fucked young and strewn away. This is my ultimatum. Better luck next time, I guess. All that's left is a good cry under my blanket and when my heart finally stops breaking, all I really want is your applause. Because I think that's all that really matters to me.
What I want is a knife, a bottle of vodka, some juice, some pills and sleep. To fall asleep under bright neon city lights. No dreams. Nothing. Blank. Just sleep. To fall in between the silence and noise, while the world breathes on without me.

Then, I'll just dance and dance behind my eyes.

And maybe, I'd whisper the things that I would never say. To you. To myself. To everyone. These feelings. Words. They are burning the back of my throat, spilling from the tip of my tongue, spreading across my fingertips, coursing through my veins, and fizzing up my nose.

And I'd never return to the land of living.

Because that's what I need really.
A sense of emptiness.
No amount of writing can soothe me. Someone, something flicked on the switch, and now, we're just waiting for the bombshell to drop on us.

Fuck this.
We subject ourselves to subtleties,
Glances and flutters of emotions.
Bittersweet words toss and turn in my mouth
In a deliberate turmoil,
Left untouched.

Yet if only, if only,
my feelings could translate into words
And a little blind courage and hotheaded moments,
Things may tun out differently.
But I don't really want to know.