A different blog. With similar thoughts and similar suicidal tendencies. I dont know why I bothered but it feels like a new start.

A pseudo recovery, I like to call it.

I would like to lie and say the other blog is less negative, less haunted and happier. But the purpose for another blog was only to run away from the memories on here. But I realise it's not much different over there. It's brighter there though, literally. And I'm more honest over there. Because on here, it was always pretty words, drama and denial that came first.

It's time for brutal honesty. To face what's within me. To whine and groan about the injustice of life. And the many other things that bug and tear at me.

Don't follow if you expect a change of scene from this shithole. Don't follow if you are looking for salvation. Don't follow if you're looking for something lighthearted or inspiring.
It's all angst, whines and frustration over there. You have been forewarned.
June 2009
I have this feeling inside that I wouldn't like me if I met me.
I'm my own worst casualty, everything i touch can get broken.
The truth is that I'm self-destructive. I'm insecure, I'm out of focus.

July 2009
Three times a day I would take pills that would make me happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.

I am not crazy. The worst of all this is that I am not crazy. Not even drunk.
Just self-destructive. Just fucking everything-destructive, that's all.

Dear Jesus, I'm scared. Of course, I'm scared.

November 2009
The world is bleeding colors and I think I'm on self destruction again.

March 2010
It's coming back again.

April 2010
How can I hate that side of me so much, yet embrace it with such silent and twisted relish?

May 2010
I need a break. From everything. From duties, decisions, school, people and life.
I need a knife, some pills, a bathtub for dramatic setting and a white tiled bathroom.
I need an ending.

August 2010
I think it's time to come to terms that I'm unhappy. There are many things that make me happy. But I'm not. And I'll probably never be.

October 2010
Sometimes, it become a form of release to hate yourself. A habit. A vicious cycle you can't break out.

November 2010
These days, I draw a box around me, four lines, one square. And punish myself for everything I hate about myself today.

January 2011
Fingers across the keyboard.
When all they are doing really is begging to pull the trigger.

February 2011
You will never ever ever be good enough.
Remember that.

This happiness is only a dream.

March 2011
I will always destroy the ones I love. Everything I touch turns to stone. Medusa hands, killer mind.
Everything falls apart eventually because I'm too fucked up to do anything.

April 2011
There are no gods and hope round here.
Just a fucking barrel to my head, a rope around my neck and my legs are begging, pleading to leap.

June 2011
I'm terrified. Fucking scared out of my mind.
Scared to live. But too afraid to die.

I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night, caught between emptiness, exasperation and despair.

Today, October 2011
This isn't a suicide letter. I just want to get real close to Death. Touch his hand and know that I was alive.
Now that things have turned out this way. I can only say I don't regret it. And if I had a second chance, I would still tell you the truth again and tell you how much you have hurt me.

When I saw your text today, I knew you couldn't understand. And you never will. Because people like you are meant to be happy. Meant to live for that shot of happiness that lasts you through your happily ever after. And me? I only hurt myself from all these addictions and emptiness.

Maybe it was because I realise we were fundmentally different. Meant to live different lives. Meant to hurt differently. The cause of death and the dead. I think that was why I didn't break down again. Because I knew you can't be the one for me. Someone like you who never felt emptiness or how happiness feels so much better with pain can never understand this massive blackhole up here.

So I let you think that your anger is justified. I realise how much damage i had done. And I watch you hate me, fear me, and loathe me. Because thats how people like you ultimately do. I let you push me away and I let the pain eat away at me. Because that was the way I was supposed to live. Forever hurting. Haunted and afraid.

I watch how you replace me with other people and I realise that I was never ever ever as important as you say I am or you think I am. You drowned me in your inconsideration. And then left me here to die. Funny how quickly you threw me away once you knew the truth.

You just lie to yourself and hope things would be better. And you will never realise that it's a lie. Because that's how you were born to feel and react. Your lies make you happy. And if you are happy it doesnt matter if I'm happy or not.
Because I'm no one to you. Or to anybody.

And so this is how it ends. My cheap shot at happiness.
It wasn't even worth a second glance.
Truth be told I'm not sure if it was even worth anything.
Try to numb the pain
With alcohol and pills
But it won't repair your trust
You can't stand on two fucking feet
With a substance as a crutch
-Bring me the Horizon

With an empty heart I returned to an empty home, an empty head.
And this emptiness fills me up only to fade away to take even more of me with it.

There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find.
-AFI, This Time Imperfect

I always get too attached. To someone, to something.
Anyone could be everything to me. Everyone could be nothing to me.

I don't know why we met.
Maybe because my life was so empty. And yours was filled with so much positivitiy and life.

Or maybe because you were make-believe like everything I ever loved.

I'm terrified. Fucking scared out of my mind.
Scared to live. But too afraid to die.

I want someone to tell me that everything will be fine.
For once, I don't want these words for others but myself.

I want another reason to live. Another meaning to cling onto. Another purpose to continue breathing for.

I want to feel loved without a glimmer of doubt. To be able to love without all these hate. And to be loved without hating.

I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night, caught between emptiness, exasperation and despair.

I want to be happy. I really do.

But these words they fall short of anything.
I lost my grasp of these words and it seems pointless to continue searching for reason here anymore. This may be the last time I'm writing here. Because writing has lost its purpose and meaning.

This isn't the end. I hope.
Never forget how he left you to die.
The nights spent in cold anguish and mental torment.

Never forget how replacable you are.
Never ever let anyone in ever again.
People will leave anyway. No one will ever stop for your story.

You are your writer. A victim of your mind. A puppet of your sanity. Or rather the lack of it.

Keep your heart close. And keep these fears even closer because they are better than these humans anyday. And don't worry, these demons will never forsake you day or night.

Never ever let go of that smile. Because if you live through this, you will have a heart of steel and never have to look back.
It doesn't matter anymore.
But I don't mean it in the bad kind of way.

I'm just starting to get used to this. I'm starting to realise that there are better things and people out there.

It doesn't matter if I'm hurting. Or that you felt the same way back then. Or you didn't.

This time next year we will only be strangers left with good memories. For you at least.

For me? I guess I will wait for another person to come along.
Another person who really cares and whom I really care about.
Its funny how we end up like this.

Its funny how we text more than we talk. How I hate more than I love.

And now all thats left is resentment, hope and disgust.
I never knew they could coexist like this. Just like how I never knew how disappointing you were until we knew each other better.

If it was so easy to tell everyone about us and so easy to forget about me and so easy to send a text instead of talking, then maybe we should leave this place as superficial friends.

If I were that important as you claim me to be then I wouldnt be here writing this.

And I'll bet that you will never realise things will never be the same again. I bet you will never realise that I'm gone until it's too late for either of us to do anything. I'll bet deep down inside you don't give a fucking damn. You never did.

All we do is lie to each other. And I'll tell you what you wanna hear but don't bother talking to me. Because really i cant be bothered to know anything about you anymore.
People like to say that alot of things don't matter.

Don't believe their lies.
It's days like this that I just wanna run away from everything and everyone. It's days like this when I run the blade gently across my skin and all I think of is cutting, cutting and cutting. It's days like this that I just wanna trash and smash everything in sight. It's days like this that make me feel like if I live through this and bleed all it's worth things might get better again.

I wish I had a different face, a different life. Another persona without the bullshit and the lies. I wish I could bend and break these hands of Time. Maybe then, things would've been different.

If I were my own superhero, I would stop myself from falling for the same mistake twice. Would have played by the rules and never let anyone in.

I believed in shooting stars, God and 11:11. But not anymore. Not anymore.
There are no gods and hope round here. Just a fucking barrel to my head, a rope around my neck and my legs are begging, pleading to leap.

I believed in love. When I first met you.
But now, trapped in my own fucking mind, I see now that someone like me never believed in love.
Only in selfishness, self-pity and self-hate.
There's no god round here.
Just me and my stupid mistakes.

And maybe an occasional kind soul or two.

But at the end of the day, I will never step out of this bedlam. I don't deserve salvation or anything else.
So leave me here with my mind. I will tear myself apart someday.
But I swear, I swear I'll never ever let you see me this way.

Afterall, all things will come to an end.
I talked about him, missed and hated him, and thought of you.

I will always destroy the ones I love. Everything I touch turns to stone. Medusa hands, killer mind. Everything falls apart eventually because I'm too fucked up to do anything.

I wish I was someone else with a different past, different face and life. I wish I could be the person I let you believe I am.

You don't deserve this shit. I'm sorry.
I'm a girl afterall.

All I ever wanted was another shot at happiness.
Am I asking too much?
I'm bitchy. I'm angsty. I'm antagonizing. I'm hell a lot to handle.
Only because I'm not afraid to say what I think and do what I want. And I see the world for it is and what it is not.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. But fuck it. At least I'm not afraid to stand up for myself.

Life is not all beautiful roses and happy unicorns. Dream big, talk big. You are nothing without the elitism you created upon your delusions. You are nothing to me still.

You don't deserve anything you want from me.

So get the fuck away from me. And we'll live our lives the way it were. You, in your perfect little bubble and me, with the world around me drawn ugly.